General information about things that Nicholas Hay knows about.

UP YO ASS, THAT’S HOW I’M GOIN’ OUT: First Thursday with San Antonio’s Most Gorgeous Man.

Posted in Adventures, San Antonio's Most Gorgeous Man by nicholashay on December 7, 2009

Despite the fact that the weather people were predicting a fucking blizzard that never ended up coming, Yuko and I made the courageous decision to brave the elements and report back about exactly what the fuck went down during the December’s First Friday.  I have to say that I was pretty fucking impressed with the number of galleries that 1) were even open and 2) actually had new shows.  Good job Gallery Owners, I really fucking appreciate it.

Yuko, and in the background is the cheese monitor.  He stands next to the cheese and makes you feel like you shouldn’t keep going back to get cheese over and over again.  He also prefers that you not use the same fucking tooth pick more than once.


The first stop was Joan Grona gallery and as usual, she had some pretty cool art.  I didn’t bother to take photo’s until later in the journey so hold tight for those.  I did however photograph the lovely arrangement of free food that she had provided for my consumption.  The little white cubed cheese was pretty fucking good and probably the best of the night.  I think that it was a cheddar.  I also ate the grapes and some strawberries with a couple of crackers, but I didn’t try the fucking hummus.  I don’t understand what the fucking deal  is with hummus and art openings lately but I don’t really appreciate it.  Isn’t it just bean dip?  Anyways, I have never tried it and I never will because it looks to homemade – especially when they powder it with that fucking paprika bullshit.  The cheese and grapes were awesome though.

We stayed at Joan Grona’s for a while, but we had to leave pretty quick because this time Yuko and I had a specific mission.  The mission revolved around this mother fucker:


He is going to be immigrating to Canada soon so I had to make sure to have one more First Friday with him before he gets caught in a beaver trap up north.  I am not really sure why he thinks that he can show up to a gallery opening as filthy as he was, but I have since forgiven him.  I made him the sketchbook that he is holding in his hand.  I think that he liked it.  It has his face on one side and Kim Jong Il on the other side.  He really likes Kim Jong Il.  Kind of a cult of personality thing.


So this is what was going on in the main gallery at Blue Star.  It was apparently Blue Star’s first exhibition of Contemporary ceramics.  Of course they recently showed Danville Chadbourne’s ceramics, but I guess they really didn’t count that stuff.  I don’t really blame them.  I fucking hated that show and they ended up leaving it up for like six fucking months.  Anyways Blue Star’s first shot at a ceramics show was pretty good.  Good job Blue Star.  I knew you could do it.


Some weird little ceramic.


I have seen several images of this online on other blogs and they all look fucking awesome.  This ceramic sculpture is incredibly photogenic.  Also, it has a little vagina, but I didn’t get that part in the picture.


Nick was dying to show us the fucking hologram room and I have to admit that it was pretty fucking incredible.  I felt like I was in a movie or the flea market.  It wasn’t really that cool.  But Nick really fucking liked it a lot.  I could tell because he stayed there the whole night.


The reason why I didn’t really like the hologram room as much as everyone else did was because all of the holograms were just naked people.  This was the best one, but the other ones were pretty boring poses of dudes.  If you have the capabilities of creating holograms than at least make something that is fucking cool.  Dragons, or things related to drugs would have been cool.  Maybe some fast cars that looked like they were going to smash into your fucking face.  You can’t just make art out of holograms with classical subject matters.  That’s dumb.


I don’t know if you can tell, but Yuko was really fucking high and she just kept asking me really weird questions.  All fucking night long.  Jesus.


This is the reflections of the holograms onto the ground.  The good thing about hologram art is that it reflects onto other surfaces so you get more bang for you buck.


Nick and Yuko were hanging out.  Nick was trying to calm down Yuko because she was fucking crashing hard.  Some German lady wanted me to take a picture of the hologram to see if it showed up.  I think that she might have been the fucking artist.  She just wouldn’t stop asking me to take the fucking picture though.  I already had a shot and I tried to show her that one, but she insisted so I took this crappy shot.  She wasn’t very impressed and she finally left me alone.


But the German artist woman got me interested in trying to photograph the hologram work so when she left I took some more photos.


After the hologram room we went into the little Gallery 4 project space where Alex Rubio had some of his new paintings.  I don’t always like all of his work, but these were pretty good.  I guess he is going for the whole non-representational thing now (Editor’s note: these fucking Alex Rubio paintings were actually made by some dude named Kim Bishop – see comment below).  After these paintings and everything before I started to feel a little bit like I was at a fucking rave.


This was in between the main space and the hologram room.  I think that I liked this the most.


Yuko and the art.  We checked out the yellow Buddha guy one more time and then went over to the UTSA Satellite Space to see what kind of food they had.


They certainly did not disappoint.  They came through like a motherfucker.  Grapes, cheese, some lettuce bullshit, and chips and salsa.  Holy shit I ate a lot and it was really good.  Someone stuck a fucking knife in the Texas cheese and that was kind of disappointing.  I don’t think you can get one of those Texas cheese’s just anywhere – especially outside of Texas.  I just noticed that they had some Bree and I didn’t fucking get any.  Shit, ohh well, that’s how we learn I guess.


They also had authentic H-E-B sushi.  Just as good as the real shit.  Yuko ate some of that.  I tried one piece but spit it out because it had too much avacado.


This was part of the art.  I guess that it was like the UTSA version of a magical illusion or something.  I saw that they had a little post to stand on, but I pretended like I didn’t and I acted all surprised like they were just floating there.  I wanted the artist to feel good like they had accomplished something interesting.  I thought that it was pretty cool.  That guy walking away in the suit didn’t really like it.  I think that I heard him say, “stupid fucking bullshit.  I fucking hate this kind of bullshit.”.  Fuck that dude.


Some weird fluffy sculpture that looked pretty cool.


Nick was talking to some of the honey s.  I could tell that he was fucking playing his cards right.  Look at the satisfaction on his face.


The fluffy sculpture was tied to the ground by the same thing that I use to hold the fucking keys on my belt.  Personally I would have used something a little less conspicuous but these guys aren’t real artists.  They are just MFA students – give them a fucking break they are only practicing.


I don’t have any idea what the fuck this was or why someone left it on the pedestal.


This was pretty cool.


Nick wanted to stand on the little shelf thing but the yellow sweater guy didn’t want to get down.  I told Nick that we had to move on.


This is the cooler full of free soda.  I got one of the fake Dr. Peppers.


Next up is my good old stompin’ grounds: The Mother Fuckin’ JusticeWorks Studio.  This month they had a show that Yuko and I have been waiting for since we heard about it.  The artist is name Hiromi Tsuji and she started making art in Japan.  She  made a bunch of really cool little ceramic pieces that Yuko and I liked a lot.


Nick found something that he liked.  Yes, that is a little plant growing out of the art.


Nick really fucking liked this stuff.  I knew he would.


This is me with best friend Barbara The Justice.  I never realized how weird I look.  I apologize.


Nick with artist Hiromi Tsuji.  There was definitely a lot of excitement spreading around.  I didn’t realize that people were supposed to lean on pedestals like that but fuck it.  One time Nick knocked over one of my sculptures in class.  It was a big orange pedestal.


We had to take one more photo quick and see the rest of the fucking galleries because Nick had to get all of his immigration paperwork in order.  I don’t really know why Nick is squatting in this photo.  I think that he was expecting me to zoom or crop it but I don’t do that shit.  I have no idea who the gentleman in the back was but I didn’t really appreciate it very much.  Ohh well.


Nick thought that he needed to take a picture.  I guess he is going to start a fucking blog also.  Everyone has got something to say now I guess.


Speaking of motherfuckers taken pictures, this dude kept gettin’  all over my shit when we got to Three Walls.  I didn’t know what the fuck was going on but I guess he doesn’t know a professional when he sees one.  I was going to slap that fucking camera out of his hand but I noticed that it was the same as mine so I let him live.  Motherfucker.


Anyways, we got to Three Walls and Nick was not looking so hot.  He fucking hates nature so much.  I know that makes you wonder: how could someone that wears so much flanel AND drive a Land Rover AND is about to immigrate to Canada really hate nature so much.  I don’t really get it either.  All that I can say is that he just fucking flips out.  It is really scary.  Also, another thing that makes him really sick is bad ideas.


I could tell that Nick was about to vomit profusely so we got out of there pretty quick.


I liked this sculpture they had in the back of Three Walls.


We got out of Three Walls and Nick just fucking started to vomit everywhere.  It was really painful because he was crying as he vomited and he didn’t want me to take any photos as proof.  Overall, I thought that the Christmas tree installation at Three Walls was a really good idea.  Way to bring home that fucking bacon, Three Walls.


After the up-chuck he felt better pretty quick.  I was glad for him.  I hate to see my friend in pain.


One of The Most Gorgeous Man Fans wanted a photo.  So Nick used it as a good opportunity to wipe is vomit mouth off on the guys should after they hugged.  That poor bastard had no idea.  Sorry dude but that’s fucking journalism.


Next up was Cactus Bra and this month was special guest Justin Boyd presenting his sculpture that I saw two years ago at Arthouse, in Austin.  Nick was really fucking excited because he doesn’t get to go to Austin that much and therefore has never seen this piece of art.


I really liked the piece the first time that I saw it in Austin and I think that it still looks really good in contemporary times.  I was surprised that such good care was taken with it knowing how many times it had to be packed and unpacked and then possibly held at various storage locations.  Some of the people that work at some of those storage locations are fucking morons, or just outright jerks.  They probably jack off on all your shit like they do at Long John Silver’s.  Anyways, good job Justin Boyd and Cactus Bra.


After Cactus Bra, Nick and the crew went to the last stop in the little downstairs area and saw this race car drawing.  Nick wasn’t really sure if he liked it that much.  I don’t blame him.


Then we went back to Joan Grona to get some more cheese.


Then we went back to Blue Star because Nick had to work.  I guess Yuko liked this work or something because she was giving the thumbs up which normally means good.  Maybe it means “fuck you” in Japanese, but I wasn’t really paying attention.


I was just really fucking sad that I might never get to see The Most Gorgeous Man in San Antonio ever again.  Anyway, I hope that you enjoy your life in Canada Nick, but just remember that they reserve the death penalty for fucking traitors like you.  Au revoir my friend.  God speed.


Yuko wanted to take one more picture because she was still pretty fucking high.



One Response

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  1. Nicolas "the Bullet" Morales said, on December 9, 2009 at 1:18 am

    You’re so consistent. My blog is going to kick your blog in the throat.


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