General information about things that Nicholas Hay knows about.


Posted in Uncategorized by nicholashay on May 15, 2012

I fucking figured out some really important shit today.  I was walking up to my studio and excitedly yanked my ring of keys out of my pocket only to accidentally lose hold of them and watch them fall into that fucking crack in the elevator that appears like it could potentially lead to infinity.  Then I listened as the fell from floor to floor until the sound dissipated into the silence of complete failure.


So what happens if this shit happens to you?  First of all, don’t lose your fucking cool dude.  Yeah, your an asshole for doing some stupid ass shit like that, but hey, at least you didn’t accidentally cut off the tip of your finger with a machete.  Secondly, don’t fucking lose your cool.  Yeah that impossibly narrow crack is wickedly fucking black, and you probably have the worst fucking luck in the world if you somehow managed to drop your fucking keys into it, but shit dude, at least you didn’t slip off your bike pedals while you were riding your bike in the rain and simultaneously crush your testicles and have a bicycle seat jammed up your ass. 

So what do you do?  First of all, go find the office lady.  She is probably going to look at you like the incredibly huge dip shit that you are and she might suggest that you wipe your fucking greasy pizza hands after you eat so you could hold onto shit better, but hey, it’s not fucking flesh eating bacteria.  Your keys are just gone.  No big fucking deal.

Next thing you gotta fucking do is go find the fucking dude in charge of the building.  He could be tricky to find because he is like THE fucking building dude but just keep looking.  So you’re going to find this guy and he might speak to you the way that a grown ass man with complete dog shit for brains deserves to be spoken to.  Don’t worry, you earned that shit.  It’s not like you got a sheet of Masonite shot at your stomach at 150pmh because you can’t handle a fucking table saw.

Alright, so the building dude is going to call some mother fuckers at Access Services and they are going to be like “What, are you fucking kidding me?”, and the building dude might be like “Yeah… no… really… yeah it really happened”.  No worries, buddy.  You got the rest of your fucking life to try and feel cool again.  It just isn’t going to fucking happen right now.

  So after the people on the fucking phone stop laughing their asses off, they will send some mother fucker over carrying nothing but a tiny little screw driver.  So this is the fucking crucial bit.  Don’t try to ask the guy if he needs any more tools or what.  He fucking knows what he is doing.  That fucking little silly tool is all that he is going to need.  Believe it or not, you are not the first assholeface to have dropped his fucking keys in that hole.  Just let that mother fucker do his job.  For real.

So now that that dude has crawled into that shallow ass hole in the basement, below the elevator, and forever crushed your beliefs in the possibilities of an infinity, well, take the rest of the fucking day off.  You deserve that shit.  Good fucking luck.  Walk around, get a soda, but just relax.  It probably isn’t the stupidest thing you ever did in your fucking life.

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